this is how we met
OKcupid said we should
His username was "Beefrocket." He thought she looked like a librarian, but the fun kind. She was impressed that he quoted Sylvia Plath. The robot told them they were a 99% match. They obeyed the robot.
She messaged him, saying: You like sharp teeth and I like sharp people; let's get together and see what else is in our Venn Diagram. They met up for brunch and talked about books. They got Brazilian food and laughed the loudest at the jokes in Miranda July's movie The Future. They visited Brazil and Cuba and Chile and and Hawaii and Japan and Singapore and Cambodia and Burma and Malaysia and even Canada together.
Seven years after they met, they're best friends, adventure partners, and America's truest patriots. They're in it for life, baby.
OUR ENGAGEMENT PHOTOS
We are cute
THINGS YOU should KNOW
WE WILL BE CELEBRATING OVER THE WHOLE WEEKEND, BUT THE CEREMONY WILL BE ON AUGUST 4
We'll have the retreat center to ourselves from Friday, August 3, through Sunday, August 5. We're planning activities, meals, and good times. One reason we decided to have a wedding was to get our friends and family from around the world into one place and celebrate with our entire community. So we think it would be pretty chill if you could join us for the whole weekend!
If you can only join us for part of it, ain't no hard feelings. We recommend coming for the part when we actually get married: Saturday, August 4.
WE ARE GETTING MARRIED AMONG THE REDWOOD TREES NEAR SANTA CRUZ
The wedding will be at the Sequoia Retreat Center, in Ben Lomond, CA, right next to Santa Cruz. The festivities, ceremony, and on-site accommodations are in the forest—so bring your nature hat and your s'more's mouth.
THE DRESS CODE:
FUNKY SEMIFORMAL
We'd like you to look great but be comfortable. Bring normal camping-type clothes for Friday and Sunday. For the ceremony and reception, it's fine to get a little weird. Color, patterns, cravats, pocket watches, bolo ties, and elaborate headdresses are encouraged! Be bold.
WE HAVE TRANSPORTATION OPTIONS FOR YOU
Parking at the retreat center is limited, so it's being held for guests arriving on Friday. If you're driving Saturday, please plan on arriving at the St. Peter & St. Paul Orthodox Church at 9980 Highway 9, Ben Lomond, CA.
There will be shuttles from the church to the retreat center running from 3:15p to 3:30p, and shuttles returning every 30m between 9:00p and 11:00p.
WE WANT YOU TO PARTICIPATE IN MAKING THINGS HAPPEN
Artists, musicians, performers, thing-makers, and happening-causers: we welcome your creativity in making our weekend joyful and strange at any point during the weekend. Please share your idea with us in the RSVP form, or email us directly about it.
how's the weather up there?
The average temperature in Ben Lomond over this weekend is between a high of 86 degrees F and a low of 51 degrees F.
The likelihood of rain is vanishingly small.
“Wait, Margaret and Raph are getting married? I love those guys. You know, we used to hang out in the Mission together. Great burritos—legendary. Boy, the house parties we used to have. Do you think they’d let me come?”
“No”
SOME OF THE THINGS THAT WE HAVE SCHEDULED
OH BOY
friday, AUGUST 3
check-in
4:00p
This is the earliest you can check in... if you dare.
WELCOME DINNER
6:00p
Hosted by groom's parents, Hsin Lee and Ya Tong.
PIÑATA TIME
7:30p
Margaret finally smashes the patriarchy, once and for all.
CAMPFIRE AND S'MORES
8:00p
Let's get nostalgic.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 4
breakfast buffet
9:00a to 11:00a
Drop in, eat up.
NOVELIST
10:30a
A prose writing game hosted by Felicity Rose.
YOGA
11:30a
Taught by Mira Chernick. Mats provided.
LUNCH AND LAWN GAMES
12:00p
Indolent, yet indulgent.
TABLETOP GAMES
1:00p
Nerd out with Caroline Kangas and Will Poor.
acroyoga
2:00p
Taught by Jessica Long and Topher Lin.
SHUTTLES FROM BEN LOMOND TO RETREAT CENTER
3:15p to 3:30p
Shuttles leave from St. Peter and St. Paul Orthodox Church at 9980 Highway 9, Ben Lomond, CA.
WEDDING CEREMONY
4:00p
We are getting married.
RECEPTION
4:30p
We have been married.
DINNER
5:45p
Featuring music by Ryan Patrick Welsh, Amit Deutsch, and Engin Bumbacher; a pub quiz, hosted by Olivia Kingsley and Brenda Arellano; toasts from Susan McCarthy and Hsin Lee; and short readings by Vanessa Hope Schneider, Margaret McCarthy, and Raphael Lee.
DANCE PARTY
7:45p
Move your meats to funk, soul, and disco.
SHUTTLES BACK TO BEN LOMOND
9:00p to 11:00p
Transportation back to the church parking lot in Ben Lomond every 30 minutes.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 5
BREAKFAST
9:00a
Hosted by Susan McCarthy.
DEPARTURE
12:00p
Now scram.
how to get there and where to sleep
GETTING TO the sequoia retreat center
11445 Alba Road
Ben Lomond, CA 95005
It takes about 90 minutes to drive from San Francisco to Ben Lomond; 75 minutes from San Francisco Airport (SFO); 50 minutes from San Jose International Airport (SJC).
From San Francisco or SFO, take US-101 S until Exit 398B, which puts you on CA-85 S. Then, take Exit 11A to merge onto CA-17 S toward Santa Cruz. Take Exit 3 for Mount Hermon Road toward Felton/Big Basin. Turn right on Mount Hermon Road, right on Graham Hill Road, right on CA-9 N, then left on Alba Road.
ACCOMMODATIONS
If you are planning to stay one or more nights during the weekend, please join us in one of the onsite cabins at the Sequoia Retreat Center! It's also possible, cheaper, and awesome to tent camp. Register here, using the code 080318.
Other hotels in Ben Lomond include:
Fairview Manor Bed & Breakfast
Quality Inn & Suites
Jaye’s Timberlane Resort
Hartmann Inn
RULES, QUESTIONS, AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE
YOU DIDN'T EXPECT IT,
BUT IT'S HAPPENING ANYWAY
what should i pack?
We suggest shoes that you will feel comfortable wearing on gravel and bark.
If you're staying overnight, bring a headlamp to make walking around among the trees a little easier.
IS IT OKAY TO TAKE PHOTOS?
We'd love it if you took photos at any point outside of the wedding ceremony itself. Since we'll have a pro wedding photographer on hand, we invite you to be fully present with us during the ceremony.
WHAT SHOULD I NOT DO?
Please don't bring alcohol of any kind. Don't worry, we'll take care of you.
Un-fur-tunately, pets are not allowed at the retreat center.
You two seem really good at being in a relationship. Do you have any relationship advice for me?
Thank you. Between the two of us, we have a total of 14 years of experience being in this relationship. So we've had some time to practice.
Well, the first thing I'd say is that you've gotta find the right partner. You know, people always say things like "relationships are hard." It's true that there are going to be some hard things about any relationship. But, on a day-to-day basis, your relationship shouldn't actually be very hard. I have known some people who tolerate not-very-happy, harder-than-they-need-to-be relationships because society tells them that people should be in relationships and that they are hard.
I think that better advice would sound like "It takes continuous talking and planning and empathy to ensure that your relationship stays good, but by default it should bring you a lot of joy almost all of the time."
The second thing I'd say is that online dating is a game-changer. Good photos are key. You need to be a little shameless here. Get a friend to take action shots of you if you're not a selfie kind of guy or gal. As for your bio, if modern dating apps still even have bios (I wouldn't know), what worked for me was playing up my quirks. I basically filled my dating profile with weirdness.
For example, my dating profile said: "A couple of my friends at the office have remarked that I don't move up and down when I walk. Do I secretly have wheels for feet? Ask me out to coffee and discover the shocking truth!" That kind of joke is not for everyone. In fact, it turns out that it's for surprisingly few. But the ladies who messaged me all turned out to be really cool, and eventually, it brought me a Margaret.
So don't be afraid of filtering people out with your words. If you identify as a feminist or a Christian or if you have five cats or whatever, you should say so. Because you'll filter out the people who weren't right for you, and filter in everybody else.
Anyway, feel free to send me a link to your dating profile. I'm always happy to help out and give feedback. There's a reason why they call me "Doctor Love Guy."
Finally: scheduling. Scheduling is key. Margaret and I are too busy and we end up not seeing very much of each other during the week unless we explicitly make time for it. So we schedule Date Night once a week in addition to any other plans we've made together.
“[A] ... [triumph]!”
WE DO NOT HAVE A WEDDING REGISTRY
Hello there. It's me, your friend Raph. We are very happy that you'll be able to join us for our wedding. As many of you know, we have been living together for a while now, and our home is filled with all the things we could ever need to make it a home.
We ask only for the pleasure of your company. If you'd like to offer a gift to mark the occasion, we would appreciate donations to one of the following nonprofits we love.
Raph is inspired by cost-efficient nonprofits that improve the most human lives per dollar and have run the randomized controlled trials to prove it. GiveWell's top-ranked charities are proven, effective, and humane.
In a previous life, Margaret led the SFBC, one of the most influential transportation advocacy nonprofits in the USA.
Donating to the SF Neo-Futurists helps weirdoes like Margaret produce our favorite experimental show.